Moxie’s 2007 Resolutions…For Everyone Else

What’s that, you’ve already forgotten your resolutions for 2007? No matter. You weren’t going to really keep them to the letter, anyway, so why not join your girl Moxie and make resolutions for other people instead? Because let’s face it, we know what we need to fix in ourselves, but other folks might be a little clueless what they need to work on. So in true Moxie fashion, here are my resolutions for everyone else.

1. Stop holding up beauty pageant winners as a moral compass (the pageant organizations and Donald Trump)
When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I was fun-loving, arrogant, loud, and passionate. I followed my impulses, which didn’t always align with my highest good. And I was not the epitome of Bible-Belt morality or the arbiter of Judeo-Christian ethics. I think many women would agree that the years between 17 and 25 aren’t necessarily the years when you make the most rational decisions on what to do with your life. So this whole notion of holding up these pageant contestants as being this beacon of light for society is a load of hooey.

2. Acknowledge my inherent racism (Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, and anyone else who trots out the phrase “I’m not racist”)
Over the past few months I’ve been making my peace with my racism, ageism, sexism, and all the other isms I’ve got going on. No, it’s not cool when some white dude publicly starts screaming about Jews or black people. But the truth is that we all have some ism floating around. Deal with your own isms and stop making your insecurity and sense of self-worth, not to mention other people’s worth and confidence level, contingent upon race, age, sex, or religion.

3. Create more left-turn arrows at intersections (CalTrans)
Is there a logical explanation as to why major intersections on Sepulveda Blvd. don’t have left-turn arrows? And what about the light at Redondo and 7th Street? Does CalTrans think that if they don’t put up an arrow, no one will turn? What about all the dillholes that run the light turning left because that’s the only time it’s clear to turn? This f—s up the traffic for everyone. If any of my readers can explain this to me, please post a comment.

4. Stop turning movies into musicals and then back into movies (major studios)
It started with The Producers and now it’s taking on a life of its own. I liked Hairspray the first time around – it was funny and wacky. And it sounds like the stage show was very fun. But why do I need to see John Travolta in drag in this movie? Why does anyone, for that matter? I did enjoy Spamalot immensely, and I loved Monty Python and the Holy Grail. But please, for the love of Steve, don’t touch it anymore. If it ain’t broke, don’t add a song-and-dance number!

5. Get rid of audible car alarms (automotive industry)
Nowadays, whenever a car alarm goes off, people look for a second, then start grimacing. That’s because most of the time the alarm is triggered because of owner error or by some gangsta wannabe who’s driving by with the bass turned way up on his stereo. Make GPS-based antitheft systems the new standard.

6. Wear less perfume (people that wear any fragrance)
Maybe I am just hypersensitive to scents, but it seems like very few people know how to apply cologne and perfume anymore. Men seem to be repeat offenders with cologne. Guys, here’s a tip: spray just one short spray on your midsection and don’t put it anywhere else on your body. And do not reapply cologne before going out. I do not want to smell your Paco Rabanne for days after we’ve walked by each other in Trader Joe’s.

7. Use RSVP’s properly (Meetup members)
I am sick of people who RSVP “yes” to events that I plan for my Meetup groups and then don’t bother to show up, nor do they bother to update their RSVP or contact me to say they can’t make it. You know full freakin’ well if you’re coming or not. Do us all a favor and just RSVP “no” from the get-go. That way we can be pleasantly surprised when you drag your ass out from behind the keyboard.

8. Use my cell phone’s headset every time I’m driving (cell phone owners on the CA freeways)
Apparently we use the same part of our brain to drive and talk on the phone. That being said, it does make it a little easier to navigate when you use a headset – I am speaking from experience on this one. So go find yourself a nice Bluetooth or wired headset and keep it with you in the car at all times. If anything it will prevent a few dirty looks from me when I pass your VW Bug going 50 in a 65 zone and see you clutching a pink Razr to your ear.

9. Take my dog to the dog park and/or beach twice a week (my upstairs neighbor)
You are a nice girl and your pit bull mixed-breed dog is very cool. But she needs more exercise. How do I know this? Because I can hear her running around your apartment like a maniac when you aren’t home. It’s kind of funny and yet it makes me sad for your dog – these apartments are way too small for a dog bigger than a breadbox. My friend C. hosts a group for active dogs – I can hook you up.

10. Turn down the in-store music (The Gap, Old Navy, Forever 21, Sephora, and other stores that do this crap)
I am not sure why you feel the need to blast club and house music while I’m looking at merino wool sweaters and microfiber t-shirts. If this continues I’m going to come in to your store wearing my going-out clothes, makeup thick enough to ski through, and carrying a fifth of vodka. I will stand in your store and get rip-roaring drunk, start yelling things like “This place is DOPE! Woot woot!”, and grind inappropriately on other customers. You want a party-like atmosphere, I’ll give you a freakin’ party. Moxie in the HOOOWWWSE, fo’shizzle!

One thought on “Moxie’s 2007 Resolutions…For Everyone Else

  1. Factor 10 says:

    I want car alarms that will make that annoying noise on the keychain, so the owner has to do something about it instead of forcing us to listen!

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