Faces of Depression, Day 9

Bad anxiety this morning, which didn’t quite go away even with a meditation session. And while the focus with this series is depression, the two are closely linked for me. Today I’m faking it as best I can.

Day 9 started off with anxiety and did not abate much after meditation. Today is a 3 out of 10.
Day 9 started off with anxiety and did not abate much after meditation. Today is a 3 out of 10.

Faces of Depression, Day 8

Today started out not so great – I was looping on depressing thoughts and anxiety was high. But by the time I took this photo in the early afternoon, I had done some meditating to help me through the worst of it. Started at a 3, got to a 5.

Day 8 started at 3 but moved to a 5 by mid-day. I give meditation the credit.
Day 8 started at 3 but moved to a 5 by mid-day. I give meditation the credit.

Faces of Depression, Day 7

Took today’s selfie a little before 1 p.m. Post-shower and post-hairstyling, but pre-makeup. This morning I kept busy with household tasks, like changing the duvet cover, finding out the autumn duvet cover will not fit the new, oversized full/queen duvet after I already started the burrito method of changing the cover, going to basement to get old duvet, looking for other stuff while in basement…you get the idea. Though I am frustrated and anxious about a few matters related to finances, I am feeling okay. That makes today a 6 out of 10.

Day 7. Today is a 7 out of 10.
Day 7. Today is a 6 out of 10.

How this works:

With each photo I’m going to post a little bit about what’s going on, along with a number to rank my depression level on a decidedly unscientific scale of 1 to 10. A score of 1 means I am feeling extremely depressed, withdrawn and reclusive; 10 is feeling happy, positive and upbeat. Five is what I think of as “even keel”: not feeling depressed to the point that I take to the bed, but in touch with my depression and using tools such as positive self-talk, journaling and affirmations so that I can function normally.

Faces of Depression, Day 6

After yesterday’s post, I noticed something that disturbed me, so today we’re going to do an unscientific experiment. Here’s the selfie I took today around 12:45 p.m.

Day 6 selfie, no makeup. Took a shower, got dressed. Day 6 selfie, no makeup. Took a shower, got dressed. Brushed hair,but it’s one day dirty so it needs a little help.

Now here’s the selfie I took seven minutes later.

Day 6 selfie with makeup, hair brushed.
Day 6 selfie with makeup, hair brushed.

Based on these two photos, what would you guess my depression level to be today? A five or six? Lower? Higher?

Yesterday I ranked my depression level at a 7. I was feeling good, not fantastic but better than my even keel 5. The selfie I posted was after I put on makeup and did my hair.

For the first time since starting this chronicle, I got several Likes on the FB post. So this got me wondering, are these likes because I said my rank was a 7 or because my photo looks more “normal”?

In either case, this troubles me. Because I’m the same person regardless of the effect depression has on me and my appearance.

I’m not looking for praise or accolades on the days I look like a high functioning depressive. Nor am I looking for sympathy on the days when I look like I got pulled through a bush backwards. This is simply a chronicle of my depression via daily selfies. Depression is always going to be a part of my life. No amount of makeup, styling product or nice clothes will make it go away. No amount of likes, emojis, supportive texts or consoling words will make me feel less depressed. This is part of who I am. It’s part of what makes me sensitive, compassionate and creative. It’s also part of what makes me irritable, sad and impatient at times.

I have tools that help me manage the moments when depression envelops everything I do. One of those tools is talking about it openly so that the stigma associated with depression can be eliminated. But changing people’s attitudes about something that’s invisible to the naked eye in many instances is difficult. My goal with the Faces of Depression project is to make the invisible visible. To make it less scary for folks who are struggling with depression to speak their truth. To be full of moxie and say “I have depression, but it’s not the sum total of who I am.”

Today is National Depression Screening Day. If you think you or someone you know might be depressed, there are self-assessment tests available online. If you are in the United States, check this website to find online depression screening resources for your state, as well as a list of area hotlines, clinics and health care facilities to help you find care.

And in case you’re wondering, I’m at a 7 today.

Faces of Depression, Day 5

Took this photo at 1:45 p.m. I’m busy with work projects and personal admin-type tasks (organizing my office/sewing area, doing laundry, etc.), so that means I’m not looping on the issues that make me anxious or stressed. I’m aware that those issues are on the edges of my thoughts, waiting for an opening to pull me back into depressed state, but I’m doing what I can to breathe through those moments. Today is a 7 out of 10.

Day 5: 7 out of 10. I feel pretty good.
Day 5: 7 out of 10. I feel pretty good.

A few people have reached out to me about the posts, mostly to say I am not alone in my struggles with depression. Another asked about how you can tell if you’re depressed. This quiz at PsychCentral is a good one.

 

How this works:

With each photo I’m going to post a little bit about what’s going on, along with a number to rank my depression level on a decidedly unscientific scale of 1 to 10. A score of 1 means I am feeling extremely depressed, withdrawn and reclusive; 10 is feeling happy, positive and upbeat. Five is what I think of as “even keel”: not feeling depressed to the point that I take to the bed, but in touch with my depression and using tools such as positive self-talk, journaling and affirmations so that I can function normally.

Faces of Depression, Day 4

Took today’s photo at 10:45 a.m. Tired, but last night ended on a good note after an honest conversation with my housemate about some issues. I expressed myself clearly and didn’t go into attack mode or get defensive, which made a huge difference. As a result I slept well and woke up feeling more positive about things. Made a morning conference call not completely unsufferable, too. Today ranks a 6 out of 10.

Day 4 ranks a 6 out of 10.
Day 4 ranks a 6 out of 10.

How this works:

With each photo I’m going to post a little bit about what’s going on, along with a number to rank my depression level on a decidedly unscientific scale of 1 to 10. A score of 1 means I am feeling extremely depressed, withdrawn and reclusive; 10 is feeling happy, positive and upbeat. Five is what I think of as “even keel”: not feeling depressed to the point that I take to the bed, but in touch with my depression and using tools such as positive self-talk, journaling and affirmations so that I can function normally.

Faces of Depression, Day 3

Took this photo around 1 pm. I had showered and dressed but hadn’t put on makeup yet. Today is a 3 out of 10. I’m stressed and frustrated by my financial situation, and my living situation is also frustrating me. I am very aware that my mouth and jaw are full of tension, and all I want to do is sleep. But I am trying to fake it as much as I can, because depression doesn’t pay the bills.

Today is a 3 out of 10.
Today is a 3 out of 10.

 

How this works:

With each photo I’m going to post a little bit about what’s going on, along with a number to rank my depression level on a decidedly unscientific scale of 1 to 10. A score of 1 means I am feeling extremely depressed, withdrawn and reclusive; 10 is feeling happy, positive and upbeat. Five is what I think of as “even keel”: not feeling depressed to the point that I take to the bed, but in touch with my depression and using tools such as positive self-talk, journaling and affirmations so that I can function normally.

Faces of Depression, Day 2

Took this photo around 3:30 pm. On a scale of 1 to 10, today’s depression level is 4. I had a few interactions that left me feeling wrong, and time at Pop’s house left me feeling sad and a little irritable.

4 out of 10. Feeling insecure and wrong.

 

How this works:

With each photo I’m going to post a little bit about what’s going on, along with a number to rank my depression level on a decidedly unscientific scale of 1 to 10. A score of 1 means I am feeling extremely depressed, withdrawn and reclusive; 10 is feeling happy, positive and upbeat. Five is what I think of as “even keel”: not feeling depressed to the point that I take to the bed, but in touch with my depression and using tools such as positive self-talk, journaling and affirmations so that I can function normally.

Faces of Depression, Day 1

For a while I’ve been thinking about chronicling how I look as it relates to depression. I think many people expect a depressed person to look or behave a certain way all the time, and that’s really not the case. Because I struggle the most with depression in the last 4 months of the year – around the time Momcat died and over the course of the holidays – I decided to take a photo of myself every day for this month and post it here.*

With each photo I’m going to post a little bit about what’s going on, along with a number to rank my depression level on a decidedly unscientific scale of 1 to 10. A score of 1 means I am feeling extremely depressed, withdrawn and reclusive; 10 is feeling happy, positive and upbeat. Five is what I think of as “even keel”: not feeling depressed to the point that I take to the bed, but in touch with my depression and using tools such as positive self-talk, journaling and affirmations so that I can function normally.

Here is today’s photo, which I took about an hour ago. On a scale of 1 to 10 my depression level today is about 5. I’m struggling with a few thoughts of insecurity and loneliness, and right before I took the photo I found out some sad news about a friend’s child being very sick. I had some good moments today, though, and a couple conversations that were fun and upbeat, so I feel pretty even.

Day 1: Depression level 5 out of 10. Even keel.
Day 1: Depression level 5 out of 10. Even keel.

 

* I originally posted that October is Depression and Mental Health Screening Month, but I’m getting conflicting sources as to whether or not that’s correct. October 6th is National Depression Screening Day, though.

The Great White Dope

Note: I’ve chosen not to spell out the name of the Republican presidential candidate for several reasons, not the least of which is my illogical belief that to spell it out is akin to summoning Beetlejuice.
I don’t enjoy discussing politics very much. I’d much rather talk about pop culture, which I think most of you have figured out by now. That said, over the last 9 months I’ve been watching and listening to Tr**p spout off on everything and anything, and I’ve gotten progressively annoyed and disgusted by him. His behavior at Monday’s debate was the moldy cherry on top, to be sure.
But I’ve also noticed something. I have known several white men in their late 60s/early 70s who behave a lot like Tr**p does:
  • They interrupt others when they are speaking – especially women.
  • They oversexualize everything.
  • They say inappropriate things about women or minorities.
  • They are masters of microaggression.
  • They may claim to not be racist based on their behavior towards particular individuals of a certain ethnic group, but by and large, their behavior and expressed beliefs suggest otherwise.
  • They can’t see their privilege or don’t care to see it.
  • They believe they are smarter and wiser than damn near everyone else.
  • They don’t understand what boundaries are.
  • They get defensive when called out on their offensive behavior.
  • They rarely, if ever, apologize, and if they do, it’s often couched in terms such as “if I offended you.”
This isn’t to say I hate white men of a certain age. Not at all. But I really do think Tr**p represents a segment of his generation, race and gender that many of us have seen before, in our teachers, colleagues, supervisors, family members.
And so, like those other white men of a certain age, I choose to ignore him. Trying to change these men is futile, like nailing Jello to a tree. It can take years to get them to shift their thinking or beliefs, much less respect boundaries. (Do not ask me how I know this.)
Instead I choose to support those who embrace diversity of opinion and cultures. I amplify voices that speak with love and respect. I point out the fallacies in the logic of the great white dopes of the world. I laugh at their absurdity. And when all else fails, I walk away and focus my attention on being kind to others. Because then I feel I’ve done something productive and beneficial for all of humanity.
Statler and Waldorf, Muppets, Muppet show, Jim Henson, old white dudes, white men, grumpy white men
Two harmless old white dudes.