Tag Archives: Charter

Hey HEY Hey! What’s Happenin’? I’ll Tell You What’s Happenin’…

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Yes, it’s been over 2 weeks since my last post. I haven’t been that quiet since…well, since I was in the womb. Yesterday my friend Johnny Rocket gave me grief for being so quiet, and so in a fit of rebellion against the forces that think I’m no longer blogging, I am posting. You happy now, Johnny?

Let’s rewind to February 25. The Oscar party was a smashing success, even if my predictions did not turn out to be correct. (The Departed won Best Picture and Happy Feet won Best Animated Feature.) I had a few cocktails, met some nice people, sang aloud loudly with Big Red to the Dreamgirls medley, and had a fabulous time. Everyone that attended our party seemed to really enjoy themselves, which was our ultimate goal.

True to Mercury retrograde form, I had more issues with my Internet connection. Again, I called Charter for help, and once again, I got the automated attendant that wanted to help me. But I finally found a way to bypass the system and get a tech support person. The conversation went like this:

Charter: Let’s see if I can get you back online-

Moxie: Oh no no no, we’re not going there again. Wait for help.

Charter: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Tell me again what the problem is. If you can’t connect to the Internet, say “can’t connect”-

Moxie: You can’t help me! Wait for help!

Charter: It sounds like your signal is weak. Let’s try-

Moxie: No no no! You stupid bitch! Wait for help!

Charter: I’m sooo sorry, I didn’t get that.

Moxie: Oh sweet Jesus.

Charter: Let me connect you to a technician. (Series of clicks, then a tech is on the line.)

Apparently all I needed to do was call on the name of the Lord to reach tech support. Who knew Jesus was so techno-savvy? Actually, I bet T-Wizzle did. She knows everything. At least that’s what she keeps telling me.**

Last Monday I went to my French language Meetup group. Whenever I go to these meetings, I get very quiet and focus mainly on listening. But that doesn’t really help me become fluent, which is my ultimate goal. I want to be fluent in French so I can go to France and visit one of my childhood friends, who lives in Brittany with her husband & 2 kids. But just sitting and listening to other people speak en francais doesn’t do me much good if I can’t communicate beyond Je m’appelle Moxie and Je voudrais un bouteil du vin blanc.* The truth is that I know how I learn best: by reading a textbook, listening to a teacher pronounce the words, getting examples of how to use the words, taking notes, and trying it myself. So a class may be in order. Next step: manifesting the coin to go take a class.
Last Wednesday I hosted a girls’ night at my place. Three friends, including Big Red, came over with French-influenced treats and drinks, and we noshed and watched Marie Antoinette. I have been obsessed with Marie Antoinette since I was 7. When I went to England & France as a kid, my parents bought me a little Marie Antoinette doll. I pretended my hand was a guillotine and beheaded the doll on a regular basis. Yes, I was an odd child.

This past Saturday I went to see 300 in IMAX. Wow, what a spectacle. And that was just the line to get into the theater. The movie was very good – I expected the worst when it came to violence and gore, but it was fairly manageable. What made up for all the gore was the great story and the men. I could not stop staring at those fine-looking Spartans. There is nothing like an army of ripped, half-naked Spartan warriors to get a girl all ferhoodled. To the person that cast the men in this film, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Seeing the film in IMAX adds some intensity to the film, especially during the love scene between Leonidas and his queen. You’ve got to have a very positive body image to agree to having your nakedness displayed on a 7-story movie screen. I, for one, am thankful that Gerard Butler is open to baring his ass and abs. Thanks, Gerry, you made my night.

My milkshake continues to bring the boys to the yard. During a night of karaoke a couple weeks ago, I had a nice time hanging out with Joe (not his real name), a bad-ass-looking dude that turned out to be very warm and friendly, and well-read too. Last night I had a strange experience where a married man I’ve known for a couple of months propositioned me, claiming he had an “open relationship” with his wife. I admit, the attention was flattering. But to have a fling with someone who’s married wouldn’t help me achieve my goal to have a committed, loving relationship with a wonderful man. And I don’t think his wife would appreciate it much, either. I turned him down.

Okay, there you go, Johnny, a blog post. I hope you enjoyed it – and the same goes for the rest of my readers. I’m off to have a little wine and watch “Lost”.

*Translated: My name is Moxie and I would like a bottle of white wine.

**For those of you keeping score at home, that’s Technology 3, Moxie 2.

Technology 2, Moxie 1

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My Internet access was down for nearly 2 days. Considering my electronic devices’ proclivity to having meltdowns at inopportune moments, I guess being Internet-less isn’t that much of a shocker. But it’s still annoying and makes me feel like I am cut off from the world.

It started on Friday morning. The lights on my modem weren’t lit up like Christmas, as they should be. I tried to get online – no luck. I unplugged the modem and then plugged it back in. Still no juice. I went to work out and came home. Did the unplug-plug routine again. Still nothing. I tried to think about other things, such as my life path, what I wanted for lunch, and what to do with my hair. But I couldn’t stop feeling annoyed about my lack of Internet. I called T-Wizzle to bitch about the situation. Then I called Charter, my Internet provider.

I’ve worked on several customer service hotlines and I know how helpful it can be to have an automated attendant to direct and screen calls. Charter has this voice-activated system that attempts to help users get their Internet working again. While trying to get to a customer service rep, I got into this system. It uses a woman’s voice and she sounds like a soccer-mom-meets-phone-sex-operator. I’m sure this is by design. If someone has a sexy voice, you’re more likely to put up with pretty much anything.

The “conversation” went like this:

Charter: While you’re waiting, let’s see if I can help you get back online. When you’re ready to begin, say “Continue.”
Moxie: Continue.
Charter: Great. Let’s first disconnect your cable modem. Once you’ve unplugged it, say “Continue.”
Moxie (pulling out cord) : Continue.
Charter: Okay, while we’re waiting, go ahead and power down your computer. I’ll give you a few minutes to do this. When you’re ready, say “Continue.”
Moxie (powering down and muttering): Continue.
Charter: Great. We’ll give it some time to reset. While we’re doing that, I need to find out what kind of modem you have. If there’s a name printed on the front of your modem, please say the name now.
Moxie: SMC Networks.
Charter: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Please say the name again.
Moxie (enunciating and speaking louder): SMC NETWORKS.
Charter: I’m sooo sorry, I still didn’t get that. I’ll give you a list of modems that Charter supports, and once you hear the name, please say it. If you don’t hear it, say “Other Modem.”
(She gives me a list. In my head I start cursing out Fry’s Electronics for selling cheap-ass crappy products.)
Moxie: Other modem.
Charter: Okay, great. Go ahead and power up your computer. Is the modem working now?
Moxie (getting even more annoyed): No.
Charter: Okay, let’s look at some other options. Sometimes the splitter can go bad. To see if this is the case, disconnect the cable coming in from the outside and connect it directly to your modem. I’ll give you time to do this. Once you’ve done this, say “Continue.”
Moxie (assesses the wiring and realizes that she cannot easily get the modem to reach the cable): …
Charter: I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that. When you’re ready, say “Continue.”
Moxie (sighs heavily): …
Charter: I’m sooo sorry, I still didn’t get that. When you’re ready, say “Continue.”
Moxie (yelling): For the love of Steve, this is not helping! Give me a f*****g person!
Charter: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.
Moxie (muttering) : Of course you didn’t, you stupid bitch.
Charter: I’m sooo sorry, I still didn’t get that. If you’d like to speak to a customer service representative, please say “Wait for help.”
Moxie (head exploding): Wait for help.
(series of beeps)
Charter: Your wait time is eight minutes.
Moxie (yelling): Oh f*** me hard! (hangs up)

On Saturday morning, there was still no Internet. I call Charter again and get right through to a customer service rep. She tells me how sorry she is that I don’t have Internet access, and attempts to empathize with me. Lady, I appreciate your attempts to make me feel better, but you’re gushing like my dog died, I think to myself. Settle down. She says she can send out a tech that day. I’m going to get my hair done at 1:30 p.m., but she says they will call twice before they show up. My other option is to wait until Tuesday, and that is not going to work for me. Already I have the shakes from not getting my daily fix of blogs and Google.

I miss the first phone call – it came while the haircolor was seeping into my follicles. I keep the phone on my stylist’s counter should they call back. When the appointment’s over, I rush home, hoping that the tech will call back as promised and not just show up at my door. It’s now about 3:45 p.m.

I wait. And wait. And wait. What is going on? Did they forget about me? Do they have no love for Moxie? I sit and think about my life. Mossimo the cat comes to lay on my lap. We talk about current events. I call T-Wizzle again to bitch.

At 6:30 p.m. I fall asleep on the couch and wake up a little after 7. The service call was for all day, from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. I look at the modem. Whoa…it’s lit up the way it is when it’s connected. Could it be…? I go to the computer. Sweet Jeebus, it’s working! It’s working! I think falling asleep redirected my superpowers away from the modem, allowing it to reset without my telekinetic interference. Or the tech just went outside and fixed something at the central box for the building. Whatever. The fact is it’s working, and all is right with the world once again.