Moxie’s Birthday, or How to Party Like You’re Six Years Old

I celebrated a birthday this weekend. It wasn’t a milestone birthday, so I didn’t plan any big celebrations – instead, I stayed home and continued to focus on getting better after a nasty bout of the flu, which I like to think of as the zombie virus from Hades.

I made the comment to a friend that after picking up cough syrup at the pharmacy I felt as if I were six years old, and it got me thinking: what would a six year old do on her birthday? Here’s what I came up with:

How to Party Like You’re Six Years Old

Starring Moxie, Ippie and Rooney

party, birthday, cat ears, leopard print cat ears

Every good party must include some sort of hat. I put on my cat ears.

birthday, party, cat ears, leopard print cat ears

They fit perfectly. Now it’s time to party.

Pick up the cat to show off to your friends how much she loves you.

cat, Ippie, birthday, party

My kitty cat Ippie is so pretty and soft!

When she meows in irritation from how you’re holding her and squirms out of your arms, act like you totally meant to put her down anyway, because you have to go take your cough medicine now.

icky medicine

I don’t want to take my medicine right now.

Because you’re grown, you can put your cough medicine in a shot glass. But because you are grown, you also know that the medicine delivery method will not make the medicine taste any better.

It smells funny. I don't want to take it.

It smells funny. I don’t want to take it.

cough medicine, medicine, taste

That medicine was gross. I want to scrape it off my tongue.

Because you are grown, you can have a chaser after your medicine.

cough medicine, medicine, root beer, taste

I’m gonna drink some root beer to get the taste of icky medicine out of my mouth.

root beer, birthday, party

Mmmm, root beer makes everything better.

Show off the birthday card you got in the mail from your grandma. She sent you a letter, too, but you’ll read that later.

birthday, party, birthday card, grandma

I got a card and a bookmark from my grandma!

Now it’s time to have one, JUST ONE, of your birthday cupcakes. Because you are grown, you picked them out and purchased them yourself at the neighborhood gluten-free bakery. You’re not supposed to eat gluten anymore because it makes your stomach hurt, but sometimes you still do it when no one’s watching.

birthday, party, cupcakes, gluten free cupcakes

I have TWO cupcakes! One is blueberry vanilla and the other is chocolate.

blueberry, vanilla, cupcake, gluten free, birthday, party

I am going to eat my blueberry vanilla cupcake first.

blueberry, vanilla, cupcake, gluten free

It’s really good! I like it!

blueberry, vanilla, cupcake, gluten free

I ate the blueberries on top of the frosting. They were good.

Now it’s time for some party activities. You break out the coloring book and crayons because coloring is fun and you’re really good at it.

crayon, coloring, coloring book, birthday, party

I need the right color crayon for Cinderella’s hair. I think goldenrod would work.

coloring, crayons, coloring book, concentrating

Sometimes when I’m concentrating real hard I stick out my tongue. It helps a lot when I’m trying to stay inside the lines.

Rooney, cat, coloring, crayons, coloring book

Rooney kitty jumped up where I was coloring and made me mess up!

crying, Rooney, cat, coloring, crayons, coloring book

I didn’t want to mess up my picture! I was coloring it for YOU!

pouting, pout, birthday, party

I’m going to pout now.

When you really were six, Jennifer McCloskey would steal the gold and silver crayons because she said they were real and you and her little brother & sister weren’t worthy of using them. She left you with copper, and even though you were only six years old, you still knew copper wasn’t worth crap. Because you are grown now, you use the gold and silver crayons WHENEVER YOU DAMN WELL PLEASE.

gold crayon, silver crayon, crayons, coloring

I have the gold and silver crayons, Jennifer. So nyah nyah nyah.

Ippie, cat, crayons, coloring, coloring book

Now Ippie wants to mess with my crayons.

Ippie, cat, crayons, coloring, coloring book

No Ippie! Bad kitty! Leave my crayons alone!

You get a surprise phone call from your best friend Deena who couldn’t make it to your party. Because she is grown, she is in Atlantic City with her boyfriend.

birthday, best friend, party

My best friend called me to say happy birthday!

My best friend tells the funniest stories. She got sick on grape soda! And then she ate Chinese food! She is funny!

My best friend tells the funniest stories. She got sick on grape soda! And then she ate Chinese food! She is funny!

coloring, coloring book, crayons

I finished my coloring! Do you like it?

Now it’s time for some dancing.

The party is almost over, so it’s time to sing “Happy Birthday” and have another cupcake.

birthday, party, chocolate cupcake, gluten free

It’s time to sing happy birthday!

birthday, party, candle, wish

Make a wish! But don’t tell anybody or it won’t come true!

birthday, wish, candle, party

I blew out the candle all by myself!

birthday, party, chocolate cupcake, gluten free

I’m gonna eat the frosting first because it’s my birthday.

birthday, party, chocolate cupcake, gluten free

The frosting is good. Now I’m gonna eat the cake part.

cupcake, chocolate, gluten free

It’s a really good cupcake!

chocolate, frosting, cupcake, gluten-free

I have chocolate frosting on my finger! Hee hee!

birthday, party

Thanks for coming to my birthday party! I hope you’ll come next year too!

The Five F’s of Moxie – and the One F That Is the Most F’ed of All

Many years ago, Momcat told me about the five F’s of her life: female, fat, forty, fatigued, and fed up. At the time, I could sympathize, but I couldn’t quite empathize.

Now I can empathize. And that one F – fat – pisses me off to no end.

I am dealing with the fatigue part pretty well – giving up gluten has helped immensely with the brain fog, fatigue and tiredness I used to feel after eating. (Not to mention that sixth F, flatulence. But we don’t need to go there.) Being female, well, I’m okay with that too, though peri-menopause is a bitch. I really believe we leave the menstrual years the way we came in: with unpredictable cycles, uncontrolled mood swings, and an intense desire for sweets. Honestly, I welcome the crone years. I think it will be very liberating in the same way that being a child was so freeing. There’s nothing I can do about being forty, so I am being with it as best I can. As for being fed up, I journal, blog, tweet, meditate, and listen to self-hypnosis MP3s to help me not get so frustrated. It does make a difference.

But the F I cannot abide is fat. A week ago I saw a picture of myself at an event and was so disgusted. What the hell happened to my body? I never was blessed with fast metabolism, but really?

I admit that I haven’t exercised regularly for about 3 months now. I am the kind of person who needs to commit to a class and pay money in order to get into a steady pattern with working out. I will work out at home occasionally, but it’s not something I’m in the habit of doing. This summer has been very difficult financially, so the exercise classes I’d normally be paying for (aerobics and lap swimming at public pools) I couldn’t afford.

And apparently giving up soda (which happened accidentally on purpose around the same time as the gluten-free thing) doesn’t make a huge difference unless you drink more than 1 can a day. It’s been nearly 3 months and my weight hasn’t dropped at all. This pisses me off too. I have read that going gluten-free sometimes means you put on weight because you’re eating gluten-free processed foods that are higher in fat/calories/sugar than their glutentastic counterparts. Now, I admit to doing this, and to sometimes forgetting that gluten free does not mean fat/calorie free. But how is this fair? Why do all those gluten eaters get to have all the gluten AND the skinny jeans, too?

So now I’m the angry fat chick reading tweets and blog posts and Facebook updates from friends who are all losing weight and they are so happy and I want to punch them all in their skinny little faces. Except I don’t know how to throw a decent punch, unless you count Tae Bo videos or cardio kickboxing classes.

I will get my shit together and release some weight. Notice I said “release” and not “lose”. I’m not going to lose weight, mind you, because if I lose it, I may go looking for it again. It’s happened before. But all you skinny bitch friends of mine – and you know who you are – if you see me giving you the evil eye, or perhaps shooting a blow dart in your general direction, you know why.