I celebrated a birthday this weekend. It wasn’t a milestone birthday, so I didn’t plan any big celebrations – instead, I stayed home and continued to focus on getting better after a nasty bout of the flu, which I like to think of as the zombie virus from Hades.
I made the comment to a friend that after picking up cough syrup at the pharmacy I felt as if I were six years old, and it got me thinking: what would a six year old do on her birthday? Here’s what I came up with:
How to Party Like You’re Six Years Old
Starring Moxie, Ippie and Rooney
Every good party must include some sort of hat. I put on my cat ears.
They fit perfectly. Now it’s time to party.
Pick up the cat to show off to your friends how much she loves you.
My kitty cat Ippie is so pretty and soft!
When she meows in irritation from how you’re holding her and squirms out of your arms, act like you totally meant to put her down anyway, because you have to go take your cough medicine now.
I don’t want to take my medicine right now.
Because you’re grown, you can put your cough medicine in a shot glass. But because you are grown, you also know that the medicine delivery method will not make the medicine taste any better.
It smells funny. I don’t want to take it.
That medicine was gross. I want to scrape it off my tongue.
Because you are grown, you can have a chaser after your medicine.
I’m gonna drink some root beer to get the taste of icky medicine out of my mouth.
Mmmm, root beer makes everything better.
Show off the birthday card you got in the mail from your grandma. She sent you a letter, too, but you’ll read that later.
I got a card and a bookmark from my grandma!
Now it’s time to have one, JUST ONE, of your birthday cupcakes. Because you are grown, you picked them out and purchased them yourself at the neighborhood gluten-free bakery. You’re not supposed to eat gluten anymore because it makes your stomach hurt, but sometimes you still do it when no one’s watching.
I have TWO cupcakes! One is blueberry vanilla and the other is chocolate.
I am going to eat my blueberry vanilla cupcake first.
It’s really good! I like it!
I ate the blueberries on top of the frosting. They were good.
Now it’s time for some party activities. You break out the coloring book and crayons because coloring is fun and you’re really good at it.
I need the right color crayon for Cinderella’s hair. I think goldenrod would work.
Sometimes when I’m concentrating real hard I stick out my tongue. It helps a lot when I’m trying to stay inside the lines.
Rooney kitty jumped up where I was coloring and made me mess up!
I didn’t want to mess up my picture! I was coloring it for YOU!
I’m going to pout now.
When you really were six, Jennifer McCloskey would steal the gold and silver crayons because she said they were real and you and her little brother & sister weren’t worthy of using them. She left you with copper, and even though you were only six years old, you still knew copper wasn’t worth crap. Because you are grown now, you use the gold and silver crayons WHENEVER YOU DAMN WELL PLEASE.
I have the gold and silver crayons, Jennifer. So nyah nyah nyah.
Now Ippie wants to mess with my crayons.
No Ippie! Bad kitty! Leave my crayons alone!
You get a surprise phone call from your best friend Deena who couldn’t make it to your party. Because she is grown, she is in Atlantic City with her boyfriend.
My best friend called me to say happy birthday!
My best friend tells the funniest stories. She got sick on grape soda! And then she ate Chinese food! She is funny!
I finished my coloring! Do you like it?
Now it’s time for some dancing.
The party is almost over, so it’s time to sing “Happy Birthday” and have another cupcake.
It’s time to sing happy birthday!
Make a wish! But don’t tell anybody or it won’t come true!
I blew out the candle all by myself!
I’m gonna eat the frosting first because it’s my birthday.
The frosting is good. Now I’m gonna eat the cake part.
It’s a really good cupcake!
I have chocolate frosting on my finger! Hee hee!
Thanks for coming to my birthday party! I hope you’ll come next year too!