For those of you unfamiliar with this feature, every December for the past few years I have made resolutions – not for myself, mind you, but for others who may not be aware of their shortcomings or challenges in a particular area. Without further ado, here’s this year’s list, in no particular order of importance.
1. Start using the area code when giving out phone numbers (Sacramentans)
I love this town, I really do. But y’all need to start accepting the fact that it’s the 21st century and we now have to dial the area code before the 7-digit number. Furthermore, some of us bring our mobile numbers from other areas with us when we move to Sacto, and we’re not going to assume that every number is in the 916 area code. And please refrain from getting hostile when asked for the area code. Thanks ever so much.
2. Avoid references to myself when supporting someone who is grieving (everyone)
If you’ve ever lost a loved one you recognize this syndrome. It’s when someone says “I am sorry for your loss,” then instead of stopping there they add, “My dad/uncle/great grandma/pet lizard/favorite ficus died recently.” We are all hurting on some level. But when someone’s grief is very fresh and raw, the last thing they need and want to hear is about your suffering and grief. Set it aside for a moment and focus on them.
3. Stop biting the iPhone cord and any other cords I come across around the apartment (Rooney Jackson)
This means you, kitty.
4. Add a store to downtown Sacramento (Trader Joe’s, Container Store)
Downtown Sacramento needs to amp things up, shopping-wise, and I think a Trader Joe’s AND a Container Store would do the trick. There are plenty of vacant retail spaces. And I’m sure you’ll get a sweet deal from the city to move in. C’mon, whaddya say?
5. Focus on helping people create & sustain successful marriages and less on trainwreck weddings and bridal parties from hell (media)
Yes, there’s a lot of entertainment value in weddings, bridezillas and all the wedding accouterments. It’s shiny and chaotic and hard to look away. But society has lost sight of the bigger picture, which is that a marriage is supposed to, by design, last much longer than a wedding. As usual, I blame the media for this problem. How about we start helping people understand what it takes to make a marriage work? If that means a reality show about couples counseling/premarital counseling, okay, I can be with that. But please, no more wedding shows.
6. Let Moxie organize my kitchen (Giles)
Giles has this great kitchen with lots of cabinet space, but he isn’t taking full advantage of it. He also keeps moving the grater and the measuring cup and that makes me loopy, because just when I think I’ve opened the correct drawer, it’s not there. If he would just let me organize the kitchen, life would be so much better for everyone. There would also be world peace. I’m just saying.
7. Give up on the whole McCafe thing and focus on serving good food (McDonald’s)
To be fair, I don’t think I’ve had a coffee-esque beverage from McDonald’s since they went all McStarbucks. And I understand wanting to keep up with the competition. I know Starbucks, and you, Ronald McDonald, are no Starbucks. You will never be Starbucks. So let’s cut the crap and go back to making burgers, fries, chicken nuggets and Happy Meals, ‘kay?
8. Make autocorrect smarter, more like T9 was back in the day (texting software programmers)
Now that I’ve transitioned to an Android phone, I don’t have the autocorrect issue so much anymore, for which I am grateful. And if it wasn’t for autocorrect we wouldn’t have such a hilarious website as Damn You Autocorrect. The truth is there’s no reason why texting software can’t be made smarter. Remember T9 and how you could train it to know your word/phrase preferences? Can’t there be texting software like that?
9. Tone down the snarkitude and turn up the positivity (Ms. Chick)
Near the beginning of this year I met Ms. Chick, an attractive, funny blogger here in town. I want to see her happy, but sometimes I think she is committed to being unhappy and cynical about everything. I’m calling her out on the blog not to publicly shame her, but to let her know via the interwebs that I think she is awesome and that if she stopped broadcasting all the negativity and snark, she would have a much richer, happier experience of the world.
10. Stop donating to groups that have an anti-gay platform (Chick-Fil-A)
Isn’t there a way the Chick-Fil-A people can donate to faith-based causes without donating to ones that are more about hate than love? Because a Chick-Fil-A chicken sammich is all about love. So are waffle fries.