Moxie’s Resolutions for Everyone Else: The 2013 Edition

It’s that time of year when a young girl’s fancy¬†thirty-five-ish blogger’s rants lightly turn to thoughts of who or what is most in need of New Year’s resolutions. For those who are playing at home, this is the fifth year I’ve written resolutions for others. It’s much more satisfying than writing them for myself. Let’s get to it, shall we?

1. Come up with a universal system for describing toothpaste flavors (toothpaste manufacturers).

I’m talking to you, Crest and Colgate. What the hell does Fresh Mint and Clean Mint mean? And Smooth Mint, what is that? Whatever happened to spearmint and peppermint and wintergreen? I can never remember which stupid mint name refers to wintergreen and every freakin’ time I wind up with damn wintergreen flavored toothpaste which makes me want to gag. ENOUGH.

2. Figure out a really awesome live streaming solution for the next Olympic Games (NBC).

It’s not like we are living in 1984 with monochrome monitors and dial-up modems that make that freaky ring sound. We have video-on-demand, DVRs, Hulu, Netflix, smartphones, YouTube…need I continue? NBC, you blew it big time with the taped delay BS during the Summer Olympics. You have all sorts of money, NBC, and you have a little over a year before the Winter Olympics 2014 start. How about creating on-demand channels where people can watch as many different sports as they want in real time. And you might make even more money that way.

3. Stop expecting privacy when it relates to social media and the Internet (everyone).

I originally started this blog so I could rant & rave with some level of anonymity. Things have changed dramatically since then, and I’m not as anonymous as I used to be. Maybe that’s why I get so frustrated with people who use social networks and expect their identity to remain secret. If you need to have that much privacy, then you need to not be online.

4. Declare a moratorium on flavored vodka (DISCUS).

I don’t know that the Distilled Spirits Council of America really has this authority, but it would be nice to see all these crazy ads for flavored vodka go away. Iced Caramel? Marshmallow? Cupcake?! If you can’t drink liquor that doesn’t taste like candy, then you should not be drinking alcohol. Now where’s that waiter with my martini?

5. Legalize performance-enhancing drugs for use in professional sports (MLB, NBA, NFL, and other professional sports leagues).

It’s happening so often now that it’s become a joke: formerly average player becomes a super player, he/she is tested for performance enhancing drugs, the test is positive, the player is fined/suspended/censured/stripped of any awards. And it’s not going to stop happening, because players want to keep getting high salaries and they do that through outstanding performances on the field/court/track. So how about all you league commissioners and head-level mucky-mucks just legalize this stuff already?

6. Fix the algorithm that determines what constitutes a “Life Event” (Facebook).

My second cousin’s comment on their best friend’s new baby – neither of whom I know personally or have friended on Facebook – does not constitute a Life Event. Neither do the following: a Like on a cartoon, a reposting of yet another photo meme from some Page called LOL All Day Long or some crap, or anything that contains the phrase “repost if you agree.” Fix this shit already, Zuck. I’ve had enough.

7. Shorten the length of all skits (Saturday Night Live).

I don’t watch “Saturday Night Live” very often, but when I do, it’s with Giles, and we’ve both noticed that the skits go way longer than they should. I understand that I am not their target audience (read: drunk or stoned twentysomethings who came home from the bar too early), but from what my younger, former stoner more hip & trendy cousins tell me, the skits aren’t funny to them, either. You have some talented comedians and writers on the show, Lorne, let them shine. And no more variety show-type skits, either. That was funny maybe twice, then it got very old.

8. Develop new OS that makes more efficient use of storage space (Android).

I’ve had an Android phone for over a year now, and as a big user of Gmail, Google Calendar, and Google Apps, I like the seamless integration. But what pisses me off to no end is that damn icon that pops up to say “Disk space is low” on my phone. I have deleted so many apps because my phone can’t handle it. Sadly, it’s not just my inexpensive little LG Optimus V, either – it’s an Android problem. This storage issue never came up with my iPhone. I don’t know if you got the press release, but you’re GOOGLE, dammit. You can FIX THIS.

9. Leave the photos on the wall alone (Rooney and Ippie).

I did not hang items on the wall so you two could play with them, or practice your interior decorating skills. You’re both lucky you’re cute.

Someone knocked over the photo of Momcat and Pops? Wasn’t us. We’ve been here the WHOLE time. Honest.

10. Be willing to speak up or act if something doesn’t seem right (everyone).

Not long after the Newtown school shooting, I posted the following on the GWM Facebook Page. It pretty much sums up my feelings about the situation, and why Resolution #10 is necessary.

We can all agree that what happened in Connecticut is a tragedy. What we can’t seem to agree on is why. I’ve read some posts that say it’s because God isn’t present in the schools. I’ve read others say it’s because there is too much violence in the media. Still others claim it’s lax gun laws, and yet another faction says it has to do with mentally unstable folks not getting proper treatment. The solutions are just as varied.

I don’t claim to know everything, but I do know one thing from years of personal experience: going with your intuition, your gut instinct, rarely proves itself wrong. This means reaching out to someone if you feel they need a friend to listen. It means calling law enforcement if someone you know is saying or doing things that indicate they are unwell and may cause harm to themselves or others. It means being present in the moment and letting that small voice inside speak to our hearts and guide us toward the right action, even if it doesn’t seem right at the time.

Here’s to living in the now, loving each other, and lifting up those who are in need.


Have any resolutions for anyone else that you’d like to share?