Faces of Depression, Day 11

Today marks the seven year anniversary of Momcat’s death. Funny, I expected to be much more of an emotional wreck, but yesterday was way more difficult. Today I woke up and didn’t feel miserable, just sad and preoccupied. Maybe it’s because I’ve been thinking a lot about what the leader of a bereavement counseling group would tell group attendees all the time: “let the day be the day.” He was talking about holidays, but it’s applicable to any anniversary associated with someone who has died.

Day 11. Anniversary of Momcat's death. Sad and pensive, but not a complete emotional wreck. Today is a 4 out of 10.
Day 11. Anniversary of Momcat’s death. Sad and pensive, but not a complete emotional wreck. Today is a 4 out of 10.

Faces of Depression, Day 10

Today was rough. Woke up at 6 and cried from all the anxiety running through my head – my anxiety is at its worst in the morning – and fell asleep again after 7 and didn’t wake up again until after 9. Putzed around, journaled, ate breakfast, then felt emotionally drained and went back to bed for a few more hours. I did get outside for a little while around 2:45 – had a late lunch of comfort food (spaghetti and meatballs). But on the way back my check engine light came on and that triggered my anxiety all over again.

Day 10 selfie, 11:20 a.m. Rank of 1 out of 10.
Day 10 selfie, 11:20 a.m. Rank of 1 out of 10.
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Day 10 selfie, 9:20 pm. I got up to a 3 mid-day, but by the evening I was back at a 1.

In short, today started at a 1, got up to a 3, then dipped back to a 1. A good part of the day was spent sleeping because when my depression and anxiety is at its worst, that’s all I want to do.

Faces of Depression, Day 9

Bad anxiety this morning, which didn’t quite go away even with a meditation session. And while the focus with this series is depression, the two are closely linked for me. Today I’m faking it as best I can.

Day 9 started off with anxiety and did not abate much after meditation. Today is a 3 out of 10.
Day 9 started off with anxiety and did not abate much after meditation. Today is a 3 out of 10.

Faces of Depression, Day 8

Today started out not so great – I was looping on depressing thoughts and anxiety was high. But by the time I took this photo in the early afternoon, I had done some meditating to help me through the worst of it. Started at a 3, got to a 5.

Day 8 started at 3 but moved to a 5 by mid-day. I give meditation the credit.
Day 8 started at 3 but moved to a 5 by mid-day. I give meditation the credit.

Faces of Depression, Day 7

Took today’s selfie a little before 1 p.m. Post-shower and post-hairstyling, but pre-makeup. This morning I kept busy with household tasks, like changing the duvet cover, finding out the autumn duvet cover will not fit the new, oversized full/queen duvet after I already started the burrito method of changing the cover, going to basement to get old duvet, looking for other stuff while in basement…you get the idea. Though I am frustrated and anxious about a few matters related to finances, I am feeling okay. That makes today a 6 out of 10.

Day 7. Today is a 7 out of 10.
Day 7. Today is a 6 out of 10.

How this works:

With each photo I’m going to post a little bit about what’s going on, along with a number to rank my depression level on a decidedly unscientific scale of 1 to 10. A score of 1 means I am feeling extremely depressed, withdrawn and reclusive; 10 is feeling happy, positive and upbeat. Five is what I think of as “even keel”: not feeling depressed to the point that I take to the bed, but in touch with my depression and using tools such as positive self-talk, journaling and affirmations so that I can function normally.

Faces of Depression, Day 6

After yesterday’s post, I noticed something that disturbed me, so today we’re going to do an unscientific experiment. Here’s the selfie I took today around 12:45 p.m.

Day 6 selfie, no makeup. Took a shower, got dressed. Day 6 selfie, no makeup. Took a shower, got dressed. Brushed hair,but it’s one day dirty so it needs a little help.

Now here’s the selfie I took seven minutes later.

Day 6 selfie with makeup, hair brushed.
Day 6 selfie with makeup, hair brushed.

Based on these two photos, what would you guess my depression level to be today? A five or six? Lower? Higher?

Yesterday I ranked my depression level at a 7. I was feeling good, not fantastic but better than my even keel 5. The selfie I posted was after I put on makeup and did my hair.

For the first time since starting this chronicle, I got several Likes on the FB post. So this got me wondering, are these likes because I said my rank was a 7 or because my photo looks more “normal”?

In either case, this troubles me. Because I’m the same person regardless of the effect depression has on me and my appearance.

I’m not looking for praise or accolades on the days I look like a high functioning depressive. Nor am I looking for sympathy on the days when I look like I got pulled through a bush backwards. This is simply a chronicle of my depression via daily selfies. Depression is always going to be a part of my life. No amount of makeup, styling product or nice clothes will make it go away. No amount of likes, emojis, supportive texts or consoling words will make me feel less depressed. This is part of who I am. It’s part of what makes me sensitive, compassionate and creative. It’s also part of what makes me irritable, sad and impatient at times.

I have tools that help me manage the moments when depression envelops everything I do. One of those tools is talking about it openly so that the stigma associated with depression can be eliminated. But changing people’s attitudes about something that’s invisible to the naked eye in many instances is difficult. My goal with the Faces of Depression project is to make the invisible visible. To make it less scary for folks who are struggling with depression to speak their truth. To be full of moxie and say “I have depression, but it’s not the sum total of who I am.”

Today is National Depression Screening Day. If you think you or someone you know might be depressed, there are self-assessment tests available online. If you are in the United States, check this website to find online depression screening resources for your state, as well as a list of area hotlines, clinics and health care facilities to help you find care.

And in case you’re wondering, I’m at a 7 today.

Faces of Depression, Day 5

Took this photo at 1:45 p.m. I’m busy with work projects and personal admin-type tasks (organizing my office/sewing area, doing laundry, etc.), so that means I’m not looping on the issues that make me anxious or stressed. I’m aware that those issues are on the edges of my thoughts, waiting for an opening to pull me back into depressed state, but I’m doing what I can to breathe through those moments. Today is a 7 out of 10.

Day 5: 7 out of 10. I feel pretty good.
Day 5: 7 out of 10. I feel pretty good.

A few people have reached out to me about the posts, mostly to say I am not alone in my struggles with depression. Another asked about how you can tell if you’re depressed. This quiz at PsychCentral is a good one.

 

How this works:

With each photo I’m going to post a little bit about what’s going on, along with a number to rank my depression level on a decidedly unscientific scale of 1 to 10. A score of 1 means I am feeling extremely depressed, withdrawn and reclusive; 10 is feeling happy, positive and upbeat. Five is what I think of as “even keel”: not feeling depressed to the point that I take to the bed, but in touch with my depression and using tools such as positive self-talk, journaling and affirmations so that I can function normally.

Faces of Depression, Day 4

Took today’s photo at 10:45 a.m. Tired, but last night ended on a good note after an honest conversation with my housemate about some issues. I expressed myself clearly and didn’t go into attack mode or get defensive, which made a huge difference. As a result I slept well and woke up feeling more positive about things. Made a morning conference call not completely unsufferable, too. Today ranks a 6 out of 10.

Day 4 ranks a 6 out of 10.
Day 4 ranks a 6 out of 10.

How this works:

With each photo I’m going to post a little bit about what’s going on, along with a number to rank my depression level on a decidedly unscientific scale of 1 to 10. A score of 1 means I am feeling extremely depressed, withdrawn and reclusive; 10 is feeling happy, positive and upbeat. Five is what I think of as “even keel”: not feeling depressed to the point that I take to the bed, but in touch with my depression and using tools such as positive self-talk, journaling and affirmations so that I can function normally.

Faces of Depression, Day 3

Took this photo around 1 pm. I had showered and dressed but hadn’t put on makeup yet. Today is a 3 out of 10. I’m stressed and frustrated by my financial situation, and my living situation is also frustrating me. I am very aware that my mouth and jaw are full of tension, and all I want to do is sleep. But I am trying to fake it as much as I can, because depression doesn’t pay the bills.

Today is a 3 out of 10.
Today is a 3 out of 10.

 

How this works:

With each photo I’m going to post a little bit about what’s going on, along with a number to rank my depression level on a decidedly unscientific scale of 1 to 10. A score of 1 means I am feeling extremely depressed, withdrawn and reclusive; 10 is feeling happy, positive and upbeat. Five is what I think of as “even keel”: not feeling depressed to the point that I take to the bed, but in touch with my depression and using tools such as positive self-talk, journaling and affirmations so that I can function normally.

Faces of Depression, Day 2

Took this photo around 3:30 pm. On a scale of 1 to 10, today’s depression level is 4. I had a few interactions that left me feeling wrong, and time at Pop’s house left me feeling sad and a little irritable.

4 out of 10. Feeling insecure and wrong.

 

How this works:

With each photo I’m going to post a little bit about what’s going on, along with a number to rank my depression level on a decidedly unscientific scale of 1 to 10. A score of 1 means I am feeling extremely depressed, withdrawn and reclusive; 10 is feeling happy, positive and upbeat. Five is what I think of as “even keel”: not feeling depressed to the point that I take to the bed, but in touch with my depression and using tools such as positive self-talk, journaling and affirmations so that I can function normally.